Dear Ms Deveny,
I refer to your article titled
Weddings? I prefer funerals - they're far more real and published in the Sydney Morning Herald on 16 September 2009.
Your words are quoted in italics; my comments are in plain font.
“
I'm against marriage full stop. Why are we hanging on to this relic of an anachronistic system (which still reeks of misogyny and bigotry), established so men could own women to ensure their estates and titles were passed on to their kids - sorry, their sons? Time to ditch it.”
1. For someone who speaks negatively of that which “reeks of... bigotry,” it sure seems you are guilty of that in respect of marriage.
2. Your comments make numerous assumptions which are not argued for and which you seem to expect a reader to swallow at face value.
3. Since a large proportion of the population currently marry, how is marriage ‘an anachronistic system’? Marriage would only be anachronistic if (i) marriage were only something conventional and limited to a specific age AND (ii) in a broader context of the non-existence of marriage, there were rare ‘out-of-place’ instances of marriage. But that is not what we have here, is it?
4. Since marriage is intended to be a voluntary exclusive life-long union of a man and a woman, how exactly is it misogynistic? Unless you are a misandrist (or have an asymmetrical problem with women committing exclusively), what is wrong with a woman having an exclusive life-long union with a man? Do you think fleeting, temporary or ‘oat-sowing’ relationships are more fulfilling and beneficial for women?
5. Marriage promotes the idea that a man’s wife (a woman) is a life-long partner, someone to whom he owes publicly committed obligations. If a man breaches those obligations, he is shown a liar in front of all those who witnessed his promises.
6. Since marriage exists and has existed in all cultures for which we have historical data, where, exactly, do you obtain this ‘pre-history’ insight that it was “established so men could own women to ensure their estates and titles were passed on to their kids - sorry, their sons”?
7. As an aside, do you have some objective standard by which to condemn inheritance-based cultures? Or are you just assuming the microcosm in which you find yourself is the measure of all things?
8. If your objection to marriage is your groundless belief that it was established to ensure inheritance to sons, what is your problem with marriage now given the primary determiner of to whom one’s estate passes is the will, which is an instrument any adult can make whether married or not?
9. A man can (married or not) make a will that inequitably distributes his estate. A woman also can (married or not) make a will that inequitably distributes her estate. Any inequity is not the result of any marriage rather simply the inequitable decision of the testator.
10. Since in our culture the dominant model of marriage is the Christian model, inherited largely from England, how do you say it is about ownership of women when, according to Christian thought:
a. Both men and women are created equal, both being the image bearers of God,
b. A man must love his wife sacrificially, in other words put her interests above and ahead of his own, and
c. A man must cherish his wife?
11. When you say assert “time to ditch it”:
a. What are you suggesting ought to happen to those already married?
b. What are you suggesting for those who wish to marry?
c. Are you suggesting that marriage should be legislated against?
d. Or are you just making throw-away comments without actually thinking them through?
e. What is your objective standard by which you determine the timeliness of ‘getting rid of things’? Or are these are just your own subjective comments stated as though there was some truth to them?
“
Marriage doesn't work.”
1. Is that right?
2. Whether something works or not is a measure of whether it is properly functioning. That, in turn, presupposes it has a purpose which it is not achieving. Well, since you make the allegation:
a. What do you say marriage qua marriage is failing to achieve?
b. Whatever problems you perceive, how do you lay them at the feet of marriage qua marriage rather than on particular wrong-doing marriage partners?
“
For evidence, see the divorce rate climbing closer to 50 per cent with every click on the rsvp.com.au website.”
1. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the divorce rate, rather that ‘climbing’, is actually declining:
http://abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/Products/9348900D7C208809CA2576200015A9FB?opendocument2. If by “with every click on the rsvp.com.au website” you mean that spouses searching beyond the bounds of their marriage are doing their marriages harm, then “d’uh!!!” If spouses do not take seriously their obligations to each other and the life-long nature of their obligations, then of course they are going to muck up their marriages!
3. This seems obvious to me but the causes of marital breakdown are anti-marriage behaviours and ideas. Selfishness rather than putting your spouse first, the breaking of marital intimacy, lack of commitment and disregard for the promises made, lack of open communication and so forth. The prevalence of these destructive behaviours is not an argument that they should be encouraged or that people should not even bother trying to overcome them to live lives of life-long faithfulness. Your reasoning is wholly upside-down.
“
The waving of the magic wedding wand is no guarantee of a successful marriage or a happy family.”
1. No, of course, not, but which sensible person thinks otherwise?
2. Of course the mere fact of getting married does not entail that those getting married take their promises seriously. It does not guarantee they will keep those promises. But that is a fault with the promise-breakers, not marriage.
3. On the other hand, there is plenty of data that shows marriage promotes happiness, better health and better financial security compared with non-marriage. See, for example, Waite, L & Gallagher, M, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially (New York: Random House, 2000).
4. There is abundant research that de facto arrangements result in poorer relational outcomes than marriage. De factos are more likely to undergo dissolution of the relationship whether or not they eventually marry, and report being both less committed to and less happy with their relationships: Brines, J & Joyner, K, The ties that bind: Principles of cohesion in cohabitation and marriage, American Sociological Review. Albany: Jun 1999. Vol. 64, Iss. 3; p. 333; de Vaus, D. & Ors, Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Summary of Results, Eight Australian Institute of Family Studies Conference:
http://users.bigpond.net.au/david-devaus/My-Papers/cohab/cohab-paper.htm ; Waite, L & Joyner, K, Emotional satisfaction and physical pleasure in sexual unions: Time horizon, sexual behavior, and sexual exclusivity, Journal of Marriage and Family. Minneapolis: Feb 2001. Vol. 63, Iss. 1; p. 247; Weston, R & Ors, Partnership formation and stability. Paper presented at the 9th Australian Institute of Family Studies Conference.
5. In other words, it is what you promote that is emotionally and relationally backward.